Petals In The Wind

The essence of life is subjective.  What it means to me might not be how you perceive or make sense of your own reality.  As I blow the dust that has collected on this blog over the last three years I am simultaneously breathing new life into it.  The absence of continual submissions never declared it deceased since it has been available to anyone who may have come across it via specific Internet search terms.  We have had the pleasure of interacting with strangers who have found our page seeking advice for their travels in addition to the occasional commentator on our own path. 

We look back at our time spent abroad together as one of the most transformative periods of our lives.  Since our adventures in Mexico and parts of Guatemala Faith and I have laughed, learned, danced, grown, created life, cried, and continue to endure the recent devastation of losing our daughter during labor.  We are marked by all of these experiences that have shaped and reshaped the foundation of our lives that is sometimes not constructed by our own actions. 

While living in San Cristobal de las Casas, Chiapas Mexico, Faith and I let the wind be our guide.  I applied to graduate programs in anthropology all across the United States while we inhaled the air of creative freedom unique to San Cristobal.  We volunteered our energy and spent much of our time connecting with amazing individuals from the region as well as meeting incredible fellow travelers.  Some of our closest and strongest friendships were founded during this time and we love keeping up with their lives.

Through the act of living in the moment with hardly a concern for what tomorrow held we came to discover who we were meant to become.  As we mentioned in this blog, there are many incredible places in San Cristobal, but one place in particular touched our lives forever- Orquideas Moxviquil (OM), an orchid preserve on the outer edge of town (www.orchidsmexico.com).  Upon our initial discovery of OM we met the director Cisco and discussed a latrine building project on the site of the preserve.  We frequented OM often over a four month period and spent a lot of time surrounded by blooming orchids, beautiful scenery, and creatively crafted landscapes.  Although we were unable to see the latrine project be completed while we were there, we began to appreciate orchids on an entirely new level thanks to Cisco’s passion and delicate care for these magnificent plants.  We were touched so deeply by the time spent at OM we decided that if we were to have a daughter in the future- we would name her Orchid.

Upon our return to the states in 2011 I was offered a funded graduate student position from the University of South Carolina’s anthropology department.  Faith and I were ready for the next adventure in our lives.  We worked several jobs, lived with her parents, and saved up enough money to afford the cross-country move in a matter of a couple months.  All the while in the back of our minds we knew that entering into these new unknowns was being led by the torchlight we carried made up of hopes and dreams for that special day when we would add little Orchid to our family.

Life in South Carolina has been amazing.  There are more trees than roads, rivers with otters and turtles, cicadas rattle the mornings while fireflies spark the evenings.  Faith landed a comfortable position at the university working in accounting and I completed my master’s degree and am working towards my doctorate.  Nothing could have gone more perfectly.  In our free time we play in our backyard which we have dubbed Mike and Faith’s MicroFarm which consists of three chickens, two beehives, composting worms, and raised bed gardens all with eccentric art influenced by the permaculture we learned while in San Cristobal.  We succeeded in building a secure foundation ready for our family to welcome another member.

In the Summer of 2013 Faith and I celebrated the realization that we had conceived.  The preparation and anticipation began.  On November 19^th we found out that the little life we had created was indeed baby Orchid.  Every day was approached with excitement as we painted dressers, put together her crib, made a mobile out of wool animals from San Cristobal- we were always thinking of new projects and ways that could make our love for her materialize in forms for her to enjoy, recognize, and appreciate. 

Orchid lovingly grew together with us and inside Faith for 41 weeks, but without warning or signs of complication her little heart stopped during pre-labor contractions.  There were no obvious reasons as to what caused this.  At the hospital our families got to hold her and together we cried.  

Although she didn't squeeze my finger with her whole hand like I was really looking forward to, we will never forget holding her little hand between our fingers and how much that meant to us.  Holding her hand in mine I sang her a song I had been practicing with a vocal coach that was to be a nightly lullaby for years to come.  You can hear the song with the lyrics here:

The most difficult part of all of this has been trying to make sense or find meaning behind why this might have happened.  There are no medical explanations as to why and we are not satisfied simply inserting Orchid into the grim statistics available (1 in every 160 pregnancies are stillborn and 40% of these are unexplainable).  In our desperate longing to understand why our hearts now bear orchid shaped scars we seek alternative possibilities as to why we were dealt such a devastating hand. 

There are things about this material realm that we will never be able to fully understand.  Cultural and religious beliefs provide some forms of explanations, but these fall short of providing solace.  We biological creatures are equipped with only a set number of tools available to interpret the world we inhabit.  There is much more at play than the apertures that are our senses allow us to experience or understand.  As individual cells in a much larger living organism the interconnectedness of ourselves with everything else is undeniable.  The night we lost Orchid was the first of a series of Blood Moons that fall into a sequence called a tetrad, where complete lunar eclipses that turn the moon red will occur every six months for the next two years.  Life is a variety and variation of compositions animated by vibrational patterns sparked and electrified forming individual living vessels.  Could it be that Faith and I sent out a frequency that was incongruent to this astronomical phenomenon?  Did we attract too much energy to fill the vessel that was to be Orchid, overwhelming her?  We will never know.  We do not blame ourselves or anyone else, but what we do know is that she is part of everything, she is everywhere, reminding us to enjoy and appreciate.  We have and will continue to see her in the form of butterflies and other gifts of life to love.  Faith and I have received tremendous amounts of love, care, sympathy and kindness from everyone we know.  We have heard from friends throughout the states and from other countries. Through all of them Orchid lives on and just like the actual flower- her presence can be found on multiple continents.

One week after losing Orchid we had to put our doggie companion Scooter to rest.  He was 16 years old and was ready.  We have wondered if we had kept him around longer than he was supposed to be.  Could he have missed his next train?  An incredible thing happened when he was finally released.  We put him to rest in our backyard- we lit incense, he was at peace, and he left us content with all the happy memories we shared over the years.  Within 30 minutes of his departing we began to hear a loud rustling in the trees a ways out in the woods.  We realized a swarm of bees had begun mobilizing (not our own) and as they flew over us the air became scented with flowers while drops of pollen rained down on us. We felt it deeply within ourselves that this was a sacred experience.

Finding ways to honor Orchid is a task we have and will forever continue to accomplish. One week after losing Orchid, Faith and I found an incredible artist who was able to etch beautiful orchids onto our skin allowing us to be able to carry a piece of her wherever we go while also providing opportunities for us to see her and tell her story to anyone who inquires about our tattoos.  Faith's tattoo on her ankle has delicate splashes of purple (radiant orchid- the official color of 2014 set by the color company Pantone) with a beautiful stem holding buds with Orchid Faith written beside it.  My tattoo is similar, black and white with Orchid's name next to it on my forearm which I get to see all day every day: when I drive, garden, and when I type.

A month later we were asked by Faith’s aunt and uncle in Kansas to paint a mural which incorporates an orchid.  We also have a friend living in Mexico who included an orchid into a mural on her wall  in honor of our daughter.

Also, we knew there was only one place Orchid's remains belonged- Orquideas Moxviquil, where she first entered into our consciousness. 

In June of 2014 Faith and I, my mother, Faith’s mother, and my brother all traveled to San Cristobal.  As we exited the airport a rainbow stretched across the sky and we felt warmth.  Orquideas Moxviquil welcomed Orchid wholeheartedly and she now is able to be seen and felt in the form of amazing blooming orchids within their incredible greenhouse.  We held a beautifully personal ceremony within the greenhouse full of orchids.  We lit incense, read poems, and I sang for her.  We feel that our little girl now lives on and grows through the unique expressions that only orchids are able.  Knowing others hear of her short but beautiful life also helps us feel as though she lives on.  Like sparking embers she lives on through beautiful moments of when her story is shared by entering into the minds of those who learn of her. 

Always looking for the beauty in this tragedy I believe that Orchid is alive, she sends us messages through incredible experiences, and she lives in the hearts and minds of those who know of her.  Naming our daughter Orchid has also had unexpected aftereffects.  We came to realize that many people don't have much prior knowledge concerning orchids.  Orchids tend to occupy a dimly lit space in our society’s consciousness as a type of houseplant that is hard to take care of, one that is only for expert green thumbs.  This lack of prior knowledge has even resulted in some learning of what orchids look like for the very first time because of our daughter.  For some, our daughter Orchid has now imbued new meaning to orchid flowers allowing for all orchids to be a representation of her.  We hope that when you come across orchids you think of her; it is within you and all of us that she is alive.

I was going to show you the world

Unlock mysteries and hold you,

I was going to sing you a song

Dry your tears when you are crying

Now there's just no way of making sense of this

You were whisked away and taken from us

Looking down, I wish I could see you

I am here without you

I dreamt I'd teach you to dance

Carefree without nervous glances

I dreamt I'd read to you

Read to you as you fell asleep

I dreamt dreams that never will be

In my mind and in my heart I feel you

You are beautiful I miss you

I know you're there

'Don't despair'

I hear you say as your petals flow in the wind

I was going to show you the world

But it is you who is showing it to me.

Mike turned the poem into a song with his band and made this video.